


The Way We Heal

by sheryl_sems



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellarke, F/M, Friendship/Love, Gen, Healing and friendship, If Clarke Had Gone to Space!, Multi, The 100 - Freeform, The 100 headcanons
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-04-04 09:43:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14017521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheryl_sems/pseuds/sheryl_sems
Summary: If Clarke had gone up to space with the others, how would her relationship with the five be and how would they progress?A series of headcanons by incredible tumblr user atlastbellamy turned into seven chapters!





	1. i. Echo

This work is inspired and based off  [these](http://atlasbellamy.tumblr.com/post/170861248286/even-though-it-didnt-happen-in-the-show) tumblr headcanons by [atlasbellamy](http://atlasbellamy.tumblr.com/), who was kind enough to give me permission to put these into writing! Hope I could do them justice! Lots of feels and warmth while writing these chapters! Let me know what you thought, leave a kudos/bookmark or comment if you think its worthy!! xx

 

* * *

 

**i. Echo**

 

Clarke is weary the first time Echo gets sick during the second month on the Ring. She had dealt with Monty’s infected hand, Raven’s migraines and even Murphy’s sprained arm without much anxiety but when Harper rushed into Clarke’s room and said, “Echo’s got a fever”, she feels a strange sinking in her stomach that makes her want to sit tight in her room and let Murphy deal with Echo. But she knows better and this is her main role on the Ark, taking care of people. She knew that included Echo from the moment she gave her the last remaining space-suit.

  
So she pushes her blanket aside and rushes to their make-shift Medbay, which was slowly becoming better equipped with every passing day as they find new things on the remaining quarters on the Ring.  
  
  
Echo is seated on the single bed, holding a damp cloth to her forehead.  
  
  
“Hey, what’s going on?” Clarke asks, coming to stand in front of the other girl.  
  
  
“Just started burning up,” Echo mumbles, not meeting Clarke’s eyes and Clarke gets the feeling that the young woman in front of her hates admitting her vulnerabilities.  
  
  
“Do you think it's a reaction to anything you ate or drank?” Clarke asks, pressing her palm against Echo’s forehead. Her skin is hot and beads of sweat are beginning to build at her hairline.  
  
  
“I don’t think so- I had what everybody else did,” Echo replies, her neck straining and Clarke knows her instincts are screaming at her to recoil from Clarke’s touch.  
  
  
Clarke nods and carries out some tests to try and gauge where Echo’s fever could have come from. After her examination, she tells Echo that it’s best if she sleeps here, where Clarke and Murphy will monitor her condition and if she gets worse, they’ll start considering tablets. Resources are limited on the Ring and nobody takes offence to only receiving medicine when absolutely desperately required.  
  
  
“How is she?” Bellamy asks when an hour later she steps into the area they had fashioned into their common living room. She wants to press her forehead against his shoulder and release the heavy breath of anxiety she has been feeling for the past half-hour but she breathes in deeply instead and lets the weight grow a bit heavier. This isn’t about her and she had no place to make it so.  
  
  
“I’m not sure yet,” She replies, sinking into one of the soft chairs they brought over from Jaha’s old quarters. She swears that if she presses her nose into the material enough, she can smell Wells. Her heart aches every time but she tries when nobody is looking anyway. “I hope it’s nothing serious.”  
  
  
Bellamy’s quiet and she’s about to turn to look at him when she feels his hand on her shoulder, squeezing slightly. She exhales and lifts her hand to cover his, dropping her head sideways into his hand.  
  
  
+++  
  
  
When Echo awakens the first time to find Clarke sitting in a chair by her bed, she protests vehemently, a bit defensively, and tells Clarke she can sleep in her own quarters and that she’ll be fine. Clarke shakes her head and tells Echo she’s not going anywhere until she feels better. Echo stares at her firm expression and drops her protests, her shoulders slumping and her head falling back onto the pillow. When Clarke presses her hand against Echo’s hot and sweaty forehead, Clarke can immediately tell from the other girl’s tight jaw that she’s clearly in pain. Her caretaking instincts kick in and she allows her fingers to stroke Echo’s hair gently and when tears gather at the corner of Echo’s eyes, Clarke finds her previous anxiety slipping away. Echo turns her head to the side, looking away from Clarke and shaking her hand away, and Clarke steps away and sits down again.  
  
  
When Echo wakes up the second time, Clarke feels instantly alarmed at the sob that tears out from between her lips. She rushes up to her and finds Echo’s teeth grit together in an attempt to stay composed but there are tears rolling down her cheeks and her hands are shaking. Clarke grasps them.  
  
  
“Hey, hey, I’m here, it’s okay, I’m here,” She says softly, her other hand pressing against Echo’s hair reassuringly. “Are you in pain? Can you tell me what you’re feeling?”  
  
  
“Nightmares,” Echo chokes out and Clarke can tell admitting this was difficult for her.  
  
  
“Yeah?” She asks, her fingers slipping through the tangles in Echo’s hair and easing them gently out of their knots. Echo nods jerkily. “It’s over now, you’re okay.”  
  
  
“Roan was dying,” Echo whispers, her voice catching and fresh tears slip down her cheeks. “And I could do nothing.” Clarke is distinctly aware that this was a nightmare that she had lived through. That it wasn’t all in her head. It was real.“I tried to help him,” Echo continues, her breaths short and pained, and she knows that her emotional outburst is a side-effect of her high fever but she can't seem to stop talking, “I tried so hard…. But it wasn’t good enough. He died because of me.”  
  
  
“You tried, Echo,” Clarke says, squeezing her hands. She ignores the part of her head screaming that Echo tried to kill Octavia and Bellamy in order to save Roan. But they were alive and Roan was not. That’s what mattered right now. She is probably the last person who should be trying to make Echo feel better, but the other girl has nobody else right now so she keeps talking. She and Echo might be very different people, but they both lost people they loved and they both tried their hardest to save them. “You tried your best. He didn’t die because of you.” Wells. Finn. Lexa. Jasper.  
  
  
“The things I did…,” Echo whispers, eyes locking onto Clarke’s. “How do you forgive yourself?”  
  
  
Clarke swallows hard. “Forgiveness isn’t easy for people like me. I’ve done things that I’m not proud of. I’ve lost people that I never thought I would lose. Maybe you and me are alike that way. But we keep going because we don’t have any other choice. We keep going in the hope that tomorrow we do better. I know I’m not a good person but… maybe someday I can be.”  
  
  
Echo presses her lips together and takes a deep, shuddering breath in. And then she nods slowly. Her eyes start fluttering shut and the heat radiating from Echo’s scalp reminds her that her fever is still high, still controlling her body and emotions right now. Clarke goes to the counter behind her and dips a cloth into a bowl of water, wrings it out and places it over Echo’s forehead.  
  
  
She stays up the entire night, placing and replacing the wet cloth on Echo's forehead, neck and arms until she can no longer feel heat radiating from her skin. She has just placed the cloth back onto her forehead when Echo’s lips part to suck in air softly.  
  
  
“Clarke?” She says softly, barely audibly, and the girl in question waits almost nervously, “You’re a good person.”  
  
  
Clarke releases a shaky breath and swallows hard, tears springing to her eyes. She blinks them away quickly and sits down, wondering for the first time if maybe there was truth in those words.  
  
  
+++  
  
  
Clarke jerks awake when a hand falls on her shoulder and she looks up to see Bellamy standing beside her. She curses for falling asleep but when she looks over at Echo, she lets herself relax a bit. The young woman is fast asleep, chest rising and falling steadily. When Clarke touches her forehead, the heat has decreased significantly and she breathes out heavily in relief.  
  
  
“How is she?”  
  
  
“Better,” Clarke nods, turning to Bellamy. “Much better.”  
  
  
“And you?” He asks softly.  
  
  
She thinks about it and then nods her head slowly, looking back to Echo, “I- I think we’re going to be okay. All of us.” She allows herself to hope. When Echo is fully recovered, Clarke wonders if she remembers her fever-induced conversation. But one night when the others are asleep and Clarke is in the common room, sketching her mother, Echo sits down beside her and asks her to tell her about Abby. Clarke never thought that she and Echo would ever be the type of people who could sit together and talk through the night but she’s glad that they are, because they’re going to be stuck with each other for a very long time.

 

* * *

 


	2. ii. Monty

ii. Monty

  
****  
Clarke notices that Monty hasn’t appeared for breakfast during their second week on the Ring. Harper and Bellamy have gone to explore a new sector of the Ring, Echo following out of curiosity. Murphy and Emori are sitting together in the common room and Raven is working on a few repairs to the heating.  
  
  
Clarke goes to check if Monty is with Raven, as he usually is, but the dark-haired girl shakes her head. “Haven’t seen him today. Try his room, he’s probably not feeling very well.”  
  
  
_Not feeling very well_ had become code for feeling depressed and anxious and had started when Harper was found crying in the common room at two in the morning on the third day on the Ring. She had spluttered out that she wasn’t feeling well and that the depression was destroying her from the inside. Everybody in attendance that morning felt her words resonate within themselves and somehow ‘I’m not feeling well’ became their way of saying their depression or anxiety was in action.   
  
  
Clarke goes to the room Monty shares with Harper and knocks softly on the door. When she hears a sniffle, she says, “I’m coming in,” and pushes the door open after a few seconds. She finds Monty under the blanket, face pressed partially into his pillow, his cheeks wet. She sits down on the mattress beside him and is unsure of what to say. She isn’t sure where exactly they stood. Especially after Jasper...  
  
  
“Is there anything I can do?” She asks softly instead. He shakes his head and it’s quiet and still for a few seconds before he shifts closer to her, curling around her slightly. She takes this as a good sign and reaches out to place her hand against his arm, thumb stroking comfortingly. “We’re here for you.”  
  
  
He nods, tears slipping out of his eyes. “He isn’t.”  
  
  
Clarke feels the lump in her throat but keeps the tears down. It isn’t her place to cry. Not when Jasper died hating her. She didn’t deserve to be allowed to grieve. Monty did.   
  
  
“I’m sorry, Monty,” She says. “He should’ve been here.”   
  
  
Monty nods, reaching up to wipe his eyes but the tears keep falling, soaking into his pillow. “I don’t know how to do this without him.”  
  
  
“I’m sorry,” She repeats again because she _needs_ to. “He deserved to be here more than I do.”  
  
  
He glances up at her through his wet eyelashes and she suddenly realises that her fingers had been tightening around Monty’s arm so she releases her grip quickly.  
  
  
“Jasper chose his end,” Monty whispers brokenly. “He didn’t deserve it and we never wanted it, but that was his decision to make. You may have blood on your hands, Clarke, but not his.”   
  
  
The tears finally spring to her eyes and she squeezes them shut because _she didn’t deserve to be able to cry for him_.   
  
  
“I know you loved him,” Monty says, his fingers closing around hers. “I know you loved him, Clarke. And you did the best you could. To save him, to save all of us.”   
  
  
“How can you forgive me?” Clarke chokes out, opening her eyes to look at him.   
  
  
“Because if I forgive you then maybe I can forgive myself,” He replies, his fingers tightening around hers. “I loved him, Clarke. He knew that, right?”  
  
  
“Yeah,” She nods firmly. “I’m not sure about a lot of things in this world but if there was one thing that I could put my entire faith in, it’s that he knew you loved him and he loved you back.”  
  
  
“He told me to say that I love him before he d-died,” He chokes out. “I- I said it but- but what if it was too late? What if he didn’t hear me? What if I waited too long and he- he died without knowing- What if-?”  
  
  
“Monty,” Clarke says, grabbing his hand tightly. “He knew,” She says firmly, “He knew. He heard you and he knew. Of _course_ he knew.” Her own tears slip down her cheeks and she lets them because now she’s crying for the boy in front of her and the boys she once knew, the ones who landed in the dropship with her, the ones who thought they would live forever. “He knew, Monty. I promise.” She leans over and presses her forehead against his and he dissolves into fresh tears. She makes him shuffle to the centre of the bed and she crawls under the covers beside him, wrapping her arms around him and he clings to her, crying into her collarbone as she cried into his hair.   
  
  
+++  
  
  
“When Bellamy found you with Roan and then… watched him take you away, he-," Monty shakes his head and glances down at the engineering files Clarke had found him from the Jahas’ old quarters. “He hated himself. For letting you go again.”  
  
  
“It wasn’t his fault,” Clarke says softly, looking down at her hands, remembering clearly the sight of Bellamy for the first time in three months appearing out of nowhere dressed in grounder gear, his fingers pushing her hair out of her eyes and behind her ear, thumb lingering on her cheek a moment too long. “I made those decisions and he had to suffer the consequences. You all had to suffer the consequences,” She looks up at the boy in front of her.   
  
  
Monty locks eyes with her before shrugging slightly, “You did what you had to do, Clarke. The same as all of us. Somehow when we’re all apart, things just go wrong. But we’re here now, together. We survive together.”   
  
  
Clarke nods and reaches out to grasp his hand.   
  
  
“Will you tell me about Lincoln?” She asks quietly, almost afraid of what she’ll hear. The last time she had seen him was after they defeated Mount Weather. It felt like so long ago… She could still remember the sound of his voice, his gentle eyes, his silent strength…   
  
  
_Oh, Octavia…._  
  
  
Monty nods.  
  
  
+++   
  
  
When Clarke enters their quarters that night, she can’t seem to take her eyes off the boy sitting on his mattress flipping through an engineering manual. Her eyes move from his cheekbones to his jaw to his hair to his arms back up to his face. He looks up when she enters and his eyebrows furrow at the tired slump of her shoulders. He shifts up as she sinks into the mattress just beside him, eyes still tracing his features, their thighs pressed close together. She reaches out with her right hand and her fingers brush his unruly hair and she traces the same route his fingers had taken those many months ago when he had found her and touched her face, the first familiar and comforting touch she had felt in three very lonely months.  
  
  
“Clarke,” Bellamy says, his voice low and concerned.  
  
  
“I never meant to hurt you,” She says softly, swallowing hard.  
  
  
“What are you talking about?” He asks, catching her hand with his, pushing aside the manual.   
  
  
“After Mount Weather- I never wanted to leave you,” She says, averting her eyes. “I never meant to hurt you. I just-“  
  
  
“Clarke, where is this coming from?” He asks, tilting his head to meet her eyes.   
  
  
“I was just talking to Monty and- you did everything alone,” Clarke says. “You put your hand on my hand in Mount Weather and didn’t let me pull that lever alone. You said _together_ because that’s how it always was and how it should have been ever since. But I left you. I _left y_ ou. Pike, Gina, Lincoln, Octavia- I put it all on you.”  
  
  
“Clarke, it’s okay,” Bellamy says. “We spoke about this. Whatever happened while you were gone, while we weren’t… _together_? It’s over now. You’re here. _We’re_ here. That’s all that matters.”  
  
  
“Never again,” She looks at him, teeth grit. “I’m never leaving you again.”  
  
  
The corner of Bellamy’s lip quirks up. “Good. Even if you wanted to, you… can’t really. We’re stuck here for the next six years.”   
  
  
“We’ll eventually get sick of each other,” Clarke smiles, her fingers tightening around his.   
  
  
Bellamy barks out a laugh. “I very much doubt that.” She leans into his shoulder and he wraps an arm around her.   
  
  
“Were you trying to read an engineering manual?” Clarke asks, eyes falling on the discarded manual.  
  
  
Bellamy releases a groan and pushes his fingers through his hair tiredly. “Yes. I understood nothing.” She pushes her face into his shoulder and releases a laugh and when his arm tightens around her just a bit more, she feels like all her broken pieces are slowly coming back together again.  
  
  
When she shares this thought quietly, nervously with Monty the next day in the kitchen, he bumps his shoulder against hers and says, “Maybe the way we forgive ourselves is through each other.”  
  
  
+++


	3. iii. Raven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was an interesting one for me to write actually, and felt a tad bit more experimental than usual so I hope it worked out okay! I was really into the idea that they could finally talk about actual and real personal stuff like sexuality and love instead of only having to discuss war and death, so I gave it a shot! Please do let me know what you thought in comments and if you deem it worthy, hit kudos or bookmark! Thank you all so much for the insanely positive feedback so far, it has made my heart burst with happiness, love you all! x Enjoy!

  
**iii. Raven**  
  
  
When Clarke finds Raven bent over a few blueprints in the common room, she stops by the door and hesitates. Everyone but Raven had headed off on a recon mission through the Ring, gathering as many new resources as they could find, but Clarke had to head back when her tablet alerted her of a cracking gas pipe in the kitchen.   
  
  
“Either come in or don’t, Clarke,” Raven says, eyes still scanning the blueprint.  
  
  
“Sorry,” Clarke apologises softly before entering. “I know you’re busy and didn’t want to be disturbed but there’s a gas pipe in the kitchen that seems to have just split.” She looks down at her tablet screen at the digital layout of the kitchen, a flashing red light above one of the main counters.   
  
  
“Let’s have a look,” Raven says, getting to her feet, hand on her brace. She follows Clarke to their make-shift kitchen and Clarke glances towards the corridor that leads to the rest of the Ring, hoping somebody would make an appearance. Even though it’s been three weeks since they got to the Ring, she had never been alone with Raven before.   
  
  
“Could you give me a hand?” Raven asks, standing by the counter in question and peering upwards to the grilled ceiling, a mass of pipes above.   
  
  
“Of course,” Clarke says, rushing towards her. Raven pulls up a chair against the counter and holding tightly to Clarke’s shoulder, she hoists herself up onto the chair and then the counter, bringing her braced knee up with her slowly. “Is it hurting?”  
  
  
Raven glances down questioningly from her position on the counter and Clarke gestures to her brace. Raven shrugs a shoulder before turning her attention back to the ceiling and carefully removing the grill and passing it down to Clarke. She finally says, “It’s not painless. But it’s been worse. After Allie, it hurt a lot more but when Becca was in my head, the pain was gone again. After I shocked her out of my system, the pain came back in full force. It’s been getting better since we got to the Ring though.”  
  
  
Clarke nods. Post-Becca, running around trying to get a rocket functional enough to get to space couldn’t have helped.  
  
  
Raven works in silence for a few minutes before saying, “Is there a reason you’ve been nervous around me ever since we got to the Ring?”  
  
  
Clarke startles and stares up at the other girl. She swallows hard and steels herself before saying, “I just have a lot to apologise to you for.”   
  
  
Raven turns her wrench one last time and the red flashing stops on Clarke’s tablet, signalling that the pipe was back to stable. She slips the wrench into the pouch at her hip before reaching down for Clarke’s hand. Clarke holds tightly to her as she lowers herself off the counter and then the chair.   
  
  
“So where should we start?” Raven asks, leaning against the counter.   
  
  
“What?” Clarke asks.  
  
  
“Where should we start on your apologies?” Raven clarifies and Clarke feels her stomach clench with anxiety.   
  
  
“Can we sit down?” She asks and Raven nods her head, leading them back to the common room, where they sit across each other on two of the armchairs, Clarke in Wells’. She takes a deep breath in, hoping it is too silent for Raven to hear but knowing that in this still and quiet room, there’s no way that she didn’t. “I’m sorry I left you at Becca’s lab and sealed the bunker without you.”  
  
  
Raven seems to consider it a moment before shrugging, “I thought I was dying and you all thought the same. If I were in your place, I would’ve made the same call.”  
  
  
Clarke is surprised to hear these words and can feel a lump in her throat already. She clears it before continuing, “I’m sorry that I never had a chance to check in on you after Allie…”   
  
  
Raven releases a disbelieving scoff, “Are you kidding me, Clarke? The world was ending. We didn’t have the time to check in on each other.”  
  
  
“You were in so much pain after what happened with Allie,” Clarke interjects.  
  
  
“And you weren’t?” Raven asks. “Lexa died, Clarke.” Clarke feels her stomach sink and twist at those words. “I won’t pretend to understand where your… _relationship_ with her came from, but I can understand the loss you felt from her death. That is not an easy burden to bear. And it’s not like that was the only thing you had to deal with. It was up to you to figure out who lived and died and- I know I can’t understand what the entirety of that felt like but- I had a taste of it while rationing supplies when we found out the death wave was coming and- I experienced what it was like to have to make those decisions. Of course you couldn’t check in on me, Clarke, because you were having to check in on the entire human race.”  
  
  
The tears do rise to Clarke’s eyes this time and they come from a place of pure confusion as to how the girl in front of her could just _forgive_ like this.   
  
  
“I’m not saying that we never had bad blood between us,” Raven says. “And I’m sure that there are a dozen more reasons for you to apologise to me. Hell, there are probably reasons for me to apologise to you. I’m saying that… maybe it doesn’t matter anymore. Maybe up here… we can leave our past down there.” Her eyes drift downwards and Clarke knows she’s picturing the Earth as they saw it the day they reached the Ring, being consumed by fire. “Let everything that went wrong burn away with the ground.”   
  
  
Clarke nods slowly, releasing the grip she had on the cushion on her lap.   
  
  
“We’ll get through this, Clarke,” Raven says and she reaches out to grasp Clarke’s hand. “We have survived for so long. Maybe now we finally get to live.”   
  
  
Clarke’s fingers tighten around Raven’s and both their eyes shining with tears, she nods, truly believing that maybe they could.  
  
  
+++  
  
  
The day Monty walks into the common room with two glass bottles of a green liquid is the first day that all of them let loose a little bit. Murphy and Emori are seated on one of the sofas, talking and laughing softly. Bellamy is teaching Echo how to play chess with Harper looking on, an activity he has been trying with all of them lately, and Clarke and Raven are sitting together on the couches.   
  
  
“It has taken me eight months on the Ring but finally, I present to you algae booze,” Monty announces, grinning. The others all stop what they’re doing and raise their eyebrows, looking between each other.  
  
  
“How awful could it taste, right?” Murphy asks, reaching for the bottle. One swig later, he’s gagging, his eyes and throat burning. “I take that back, this is the worst shit I’ve ever tasted.” The others watch him as he shakes his head a few times... Before taking a second swig. “But what alcohol ever tasted good?"  
  
  
“I am _sure_ that is not true,” Raven says, as he passes her the bottle. She takes a swig and cringes. “But that is disgusting.” She takes another sip before passing it on and they continue this around the circle until the first bottle is empty and everyone is suitably buzzed.   
  
  
At some point in the night, Murphy perks up and asks, “Have you guys realised that 50% of us have had our lovers killed?” Everyone turns to him, eyes wide and appalled. (Echo, he assumes from the way she speaks about him, loved Roan).  
  
  
Raven reaches out and slaps his shin. “Why the _fuck_ would you say something like that?”  
  
  
“I’m just saying- if we run out of topics to bond over,” Murphy says and Emori hits the back of his head lightly.   
  
  
“Don’t be asshole, John,” She scolds.  
  
  
“He _is_ right,” Clarke says, shrugging. “Unity in tragedy, I guess?”   
  
  
“Cheers to that,” Raven says, her voice slurring as she raises the empty bottle in her hand. The other all raise their hands as if holding glasses.   
  
  
“Was Finn Raven’s lover or Clarke’s?” A collective groan echoes around the room and this time Harper reaches out to slap Murphy’s arm.  
  
  
“Finn…,” Raven starts, hurt flashing through her eyes briefly, “Was a good person that did some terrible things, much like most of us here. But he, like many of the things from our time on Earth, is something that we best leave behind on the ground.”  
  
  
“Let’s drink to that,” Clarke says, fingers reaching out towards the second bottle of algae booze nestled in Monty’s arms.  
  
  
The second bottle is finished an hour later by 2:30am and after taking their last sips, Murphy and Emori return to their room, Echo waves goodbye and disappears, and Bellamy returns to his and Clarke’s room after a sloppy kiss on the remaining four’s heads. Monty and Harper sit cuddled close together on the sofa and Raven and Clarke sit together at the foot of one of the couches.   
  
  
“You know who else I considered might turn into a… lover?” Raven asks drowsily, leaning into Clarke’s shoulder.   
  
  
“Who’s that?” Clarke asks, her voice steadier than Raven’s because she stopped drinking after one sip from the second bottle.   
  
  
“Luna.” Clarke does not expect this and her eyes widen comically as she looks at Raven curiously. “I know she turned out to be a people-hating extinction-loving killer and all but-,” Raven frowns, “-She was really good to me.”   
  
  
“Yeah?” Clarke asks softly, gently.   
  
  
Raven nods against her shoulder. “You know, I was convinced I was straight until she came along,” Raven releases a soft giggle and Clarke can’t help but smile, hoping that eventually, these would be the only memories left about the ones they left behind. “She was fucking gorgeous.”   
  
  
“I remember thinking so as well,” Clarke shares.  
  
  
“You’re bisexual, right?”  
  
  
“I am indeed,” Clarke says and there’s silence and she already knows what Raven is thinking. “You can ask me about it, if you like? I know it can be confusing.”   
  
  
“Maybe another day when… when I’m ready,” Raven says and it sounds more like a promise to Clarke so she takes Raven’s hand and squeezes it, feeling so unbelievably _at peace_ because _finally_ they could deal with issues that were less about the human race and simply just about _themselves_.   
  
  
When she steps into her quarters that night, Bellamy’s eyes flutter open and he smiles sleepily at her. She steps out to change into her nightwear, a loose t-shirt and pajama bottoms that they had found in what used to be the old clothes dump on the Ark, and rinses her mouth before slipping back into their room. Before she can change her mind, she pushes her mattress right up next to Bellamy’s and crawls under the covers.   
  
  
“What’s the new arrangement for?” He mumbles, turning on his side to face her.  
  
  
“Just wanted to be closer,” Clarke says softly, confidently. Their mattresses used to be on opposite sides of the room but she had been considering joining them together for months now. Or if she’s being honest, since they moved in.   
  
  
“Good, me too,” Bellamy says. “Did you have a nice night?”  
  
  
Clarke nods, feeling a bit emotional. They fall silent and his eyes flutter shut and she’s not sure if he’s asleep when she whispers, “Bellamy?”   
  
  
“Hmm?” He replies, opening his eyes again and they’re hooded with exhaustion.  
  
  
“You know I’m bisexual, right?” She says softly, almost scared, even though she knows that he _must_ know by now.   
  
  
  
He releases a soft chuckle. “Of course I do. I know you weren’t just friends with Nylah and Lexa.”  
  
  
She smiles softly at this and reaches out. He lifts his hand out from under the pillow and grasps hers.   
  
  
“Is that weird for you?” She asks. “That I’ve been with girls?”  
  
  
He chuckles again, lips pulling into a wide grin. “Should it be?”  
  
  
“No,” Clarke shakes her head quickly. “I just- I didn’t know how you would- I wanted you to know in case it- I didn’t know if it would be- I just-,” She shakes her head again and exhales, “Forget I said anything.” They lie in silence for a few seconds, “Fuck, I made it _weird_ , didn’t I?”  
  
  
He grins and tightens his fingers around hers. He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds but then he lifts himself up on his elbow to lean over and press a kiss into her hair. He lies back down beside her, a bit closer than before. “Nothing changes what you are to me,” He finally says softly. And she knows they aren’t ready to discuss… _feelings_ yet and this is probably the closest they’ve gotten so far but for now, it’s enough. She knows how she feels about the boy lying next to her and she’s almost certain about how he feels, from the many times she’s turned to look at him when she thought he wasn’t looking but found him staring at her already.   
  
  
"Besides,” The corner of his lip quirks up sheepishly as she looks at him, “I’m pretty certain I’m bi too.”  
  
  
Her eyes widen at this. “Really?”   
  
  
He shrugs lightly and he asks with a slight smirk, “Is that weird for you?”   
  
  
She answers by scooting closer to him and wrapping her arm around him and when she feels his arm slip around her and his smile against her hair, she realises that she doesn’t really care how long it takes them, she knows they’ll get there at their own pace and at exactly the right time.   
  
  
+++  
  
  
Two evenings later, after they suffer a scare about oxygen levels and Raven and Monty spend ten hours straight barking out orders and making repairs and calculations around the Ring, everyone returns to their quarters exhausted to the bone. Clarke flops onto Bellamy’s mattress and sits against the wall, book in hand, and waits for Bellamy to return from talking with Monty. Half an hour later, however, it’s not Bellamy that enters the room dragging their feet, but Raven. She collapses into the mattress and her head comes to rest in Clarke’s lap.  
  
  
“You okay?” Clarke asks softly.   
  
  
“So tired,” Raven mumbles and Clarke sees her eyes flutter shut. “Echo’s taking a midnight walk and I didn’t want to be alone.”  
  
  
Clarke has never heard Raven admit to something like this and knows the other girl must be feeling overwhelmed after their first scare on the Ring. So she gets into a position where Raven is more comfortable and transfers her book into her right hand. Using her left, she combs through Raven’s hair, gently working through the knots and then eventually just running her fingers through her hair until Raven's breathing evens out. When Bellamy enters ten minutes later to the sight of Raven asleep on Clarke’s lap and Clarke stroking her hair, he smiles and raises his eyebrows questioningly.   
  
She shakes her head and when she glances down at Raven, she is struck with the realisation that the two of them were in a place where when a storm was brewing in one of their minds, that they could seek refuge in the other. Seeing Raven curled around her with steady breaths and a calm face, she feels a smile grace her features and she knows in her heart that they had healed. And with it, she was beginning to heal as well.


	4. iv. Harper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I have not had a chance to update recently! I was finishing up University and I am officially done, which is very exciting! Been applying to jobs and internships at the moment but managed to get some free time to write this one! Sorry if it's not up to the normal standards that you all have enjoyed but hope it's good nonetheless! Much love to you all! Thank you so much for leaving all your kind comments and kudos/bookmarks. Please do so again if you're enjoying the read xx

They’re sitting together on their third day on the ring and watching the Earth from the large window on the Ring, quietly taking in the burning planet.   
  
  
“Do you think it’ll ever settle?” Emori asks, quietly.   
  
  
“Eventually,” Raven says.  
  
  
“I might have found a few surviving quarters on this side of the Ring that can work as rooms for us,” they all turn as Monty walks into the room, looking slightly excited.   
  
  
“Do they have mattresses?” Murphy asks and Monty nods and there’s a collective sigh of happiness that ripples through the groups.   
  
  
“Isn’t Harper with you?” Monty asks, frowning, his eyes darting between the group.  
  
  
“We thought she was with you,” Bellamy says, worry already flashing across his expression. Monty’s frown deepens and he looks over his shoulder.   
  
  
“I’m sure she’s fine,” Clarke says, getting to her feet. The group look between each other before they all begin to move towards the side of the Ring that they decided would be their living quarters- kitchen and common room and such.  
  
  
They find her curled up on the floor of their assigned common room, tears slipping down her cheeks. When she notices the group at the door, she curls into herself tighter and the tears fall faster. Monty and Clarke run up to her, Bellamy and Raven close behind. Murphy, Emori and Echo stay at the entrance.  
  
  
“Hey, did something happen?” Monty asks as he and Clarke kneel down beside her. He reaches out to stroke her hair and she releases a soft sob.  
  
  
“You’re okay,” Clarke says softly, reaching out to place her hand against Harper’s arm. “We’re right here, you’re okay.” She recognises this. Nothing _happened_ , per se. Yet…   
  
  
“I don’t feel well,” Harper chokes out, looking at Clarke through red tear-filled eyes. “I can’t- I- I- it’s all too much… I can’t do it, I can’t- Clarke, I don’t know how-“  
  
  
Clarke shuffles a little closer, her other hand reaching out to grasp Harper’s. “We’re right here for you. I know it feels like too much, like you can’t do this, but you can. You are one of the strongest people I know and you _can_ get through this. And on the days that you feel like you can’t, we’re here. We’re always going to be here. You’re going to be okay.”   
  
  
“We’re not going anywhere,” Monty promises. Harper nods before a fresh set of tears spill down her cheeks. She looks at Clarke before shuffling, changing positions in a mess of limbs. Clarke pulls back slightly, waiting patiently for her to settle down, and when she does, Clarke can’t help but feel a bit surprised. Harper had moved so that she was nestled in Clarke’s arms, head resting on Clarke’s bosom and arms curled up by her stomach. Clarke tightens her arms around the younger girl and presses a kiss into her hair. She feels her own eyes well up and she squeezes her eyes shut and pushes her face into Harper’s hair.   
  
  
“I’ve got you,” She whispers and Harper burrows a little closer. Clarke glances up to see sadness flash through Monty’s expression for a second before he takes a deep breath and nods to himself. He catches her eye and smiles sadly before settling down a small distance away from the girls, far enough to give them their space but close enough in case Harper should need him.   
  
  
The others shuffle out of the room and head in the direction of where Monty tells them he found the mattresses and the next hour is spent making the rooms a bit more habitable. Murphy and Emori take one of the rooms, Raven and Echo glance at each other before shrugging in acceptance that they would share the second. Once Harper has calmed down significantly and leans tiredly into Clarke, she helps her to the third room and tucks her in, promising to be near. Monty smiles at her and Bellamy before settling in beside Harper, who rolls into his side.  
  
  
Bellamy and Clarke walk over to the fourth room, where two mattresses lie against two opposite walls. Clarke hesitates while Bellamy walks in. He stops when he realises she is still at the door.   
  
  
“I- I can probably find a fifth room nearby, if you don’t- I can, uh-“ She starts, averting her eyes nervously.  
  
  
“Clarke,” He says softly and the heavy emotion in his voice makes her look up at him. He tilts his head slightly and says, “Please don’t walk away this time… I know it sounds crazy but- I feel like if you aren’t with me then I’m going to wake up and find you gone.” She stares at him for a long moment before striding forward and wrapping her arms around his waist. He hugs her tightly, fiercely, with his fingers tangling in her hair.   
  
  
“I’m not going anywhere,” She says and she can feel his exhale against her forehead. “Okay?” He nods and holds her a little tighter.  
  
  
“Okay.”  
  
  
+++  
  
  
As she had promised the night before, Clarke checks in on Harper the next morning. Bellamy has headed off with Raven to check on a few pipes that need work and Monty and Emori are checking on the algae farm. Murphy is lying on the floor in the common room and Echo is nowhere to be seen, probably strolling around the Ring.   
  
  
“Good morning,” Clarke says softly to Harper, who is lying on her mattress, staring up at the ceiling.  
  
  
“Morning, Clarke,” Harper smiles at her. She sits up slowly and reaches up to undo the braid that had come loose overnight. “Thank you for yesterday.”  
  
  
“You don’t have to thank me,” Clarke replies. “Can I help you?” Harper looks up, a bit surprised, before smiling wider and nodding. She shuffles off the mattress and onto the floor and Clarke sits behind her on the mattress. She combs through Harper’s hair with her fingers, gently. “I know things can be overwhelming, but we’re here for you. We’re here for each other.”  
  
  
Harper nods slightly and then sighs. “I feel like when we were on the ground, our bodies and minds were working on overdrive. No time to think about anything but survival, you know?” Clarke nods. She does know. “But now that we’re here…” Harper’s voice cracks and she clears her throat, “Now that we’re here, we have time and space to think about other things too. Of course we need to survive and it won’t be easy but… at least it’s quiet here. There’s a silence and stillness in the air that we never had down on Earth.”  
  
  
“And up here, there are only eight of us,” Clarke reminds her, beginning to twist her hair into a French braid.   
  
  
“Exactly…,” Harper sighs heavily again. “I can’t decide whether I’d rather be down there with a threat to my life or be up here with a threat to my mind. Ever since we came to space, I’ve felt like my mind is a ticking bomb- just waiting to explode.” Clarke can’t see Harper’s face but sees that the other girl reaches up to swipe at her eyes. “Like my mind is suddenly being ambushed by every bad memory. Every battle, every second of torture… every death.”  
  
  
Clarke feels the weight of the words on her shoulders. The weight of the world on her shoulders. “I know what you mean,” Clarke says, her throat tight. She clears it softly before continuing, "It won’t be easy to work through these thoughts but… to get to the other side, to finally be free of them, we need to get through them.”Since the day they reached the ground, since the day they had watched a spear tear through Jasper’s chest, she had felt something in the air change. And something in herself break. And with every passing day, that crack got deeper and wider… She broke a little more every day. She isn’t sure she will ever be whole again. She isn’t sure the weight will ever lift. But she cannot tell Harper that. She _won’t_ tell Harper that. Because maybe things will never be better for herself, but they will for Harper. Because Harper is good and deserves goodness. And Clarke will make damn sure that she gets every bit of goodness up here in space. Even if she can’t get it for herself.   
  
  
Harper nods and Clarke finishes the braid, tying up the end.   
  
  
“If you ever need someone to talk to,” Clarke says, nervously. “I’m here for you. I know we’ve never been particularly close and… you’re probably more familiar with Bellamy or would prefer to talk to Monty but- I- I’m here if you need me.”  
  
  
Harper moves so that she is sitting facing Clarke. “You know, up in the Ark- I used to be really close with my mother… we used to talk about everything and when things got rough, I would always go to her. She died a week before I was put in lock-up. A month before we were sent to the ground.” Tears fill up her eyes. “I miss her. So much. But-,” She looks up at Clarke, “Sometimes when we talk, when you’re with me… I feel like she’s not far.” Harper shakes her head and wipes at her face. Clarke’s eyes well up and before she can stop them, the tears fall down her cheeks. “I know that sounds stupid and I’m sorry if that’s weird for you but-“  
  
  
“It’s not,” Clarke says quickly. She reaches out to grasp Harper’s hands. “It’s not weird and it’s not stupid. Harper, I- I’m so touched that you feel that way. I had no idea…” The tears keep falling and she feels a warmth pool at her stomach that she hadn’t felt in a while…   
  
  
“There was a time when everyone used to call you and Bellamy the mom and dad of the delinquents,” Harper shares, smiling. Clarke feels her heart flutter and the words startle a small laugh out of her. “Sometimes I forget that I lost my whole family on the Ark."  
  
  
Clarke leans forward to press her forehead against Harper’s, “We’re your family now.”   
  
  
+++  
  
  
It’s during their fifth month on the Ring on a quiet evening that Harper finds Clarke staring at herself in the mirror with a frown. She’s in the bathroom between Echo and Raven’s and Murphy and Emori’s rooms, which they’ve got up and running. Everything’s a bit rusty and not entirely functional but by now, they’ve learnt to be patient with just about everything on the Ring. Up here, they had the _time_ to be patient.   
  
  
“You okay?” Harper asks, standing at the door. Clarke startles and looks at Harper through the mirror.   
  
  
“I- Yeah, I’m-,” Clarke starts, trying to find the words. Harper waits. “It’s strange but I feel by now, my hair is coated in blood, dirt and sweat and it’ll never really ever come off. I feel like it’s- this kind of weight, I can’t explain it.”  
  
  
“Like you’re carrying around a part of the ground with you no matter how far you are from it?” Harper suggests, leaning against the doorframe.  
  
  
Clarke is, not for the first time, taken by surprise by just how perceptive Harper can be. She nods, feeling her throat close up a little.   
  
  
“Then let’s change that,” Harper says with a small smile. “We have a pair of scissors in the kitchen and you have me. I used to do haircuts for people up in Ark all the time. If you like, I can cut yours short? Lighten the weight?”  
  
  
Clarke doesn’t even have to debate the offer, she accepts quickly and goes with Harper to the kitchen. Harper instructs her to sit in one of the chairs and since water is not yet in abundance on the Ring (they hope that one day it will be easier), Harper goes straight into it.  
  
  
“How short do you want it?” She asks Clarke.   
  
  
Clarke has never been the type of person to care about how she looked, especially not on the ground, but up here- when she looks in the mirror, she doesn’t really like who she sees anymore. But she’s a little tired of hating the girl in the mirror, the girl with blood in her hair and tears in her eyes. So she decides she wants to get this right and asks in a meek voice, “Do you think it would look okay short? Like shoulder-length?” There’s a lump in her throat at the very thought of feeling differently about herself.  
  
  
“Clarke,” Harper says softly, one hand squeezing her shoulder. “You would look beautiful.” Clarke feels the tears well up in her eyes at the word. _Beautiful_. She doesn’t think she’s heard it even once during their time on the ground. Perhaps when they launched the rocket launchers, but it feels like a memory to distant to recall. So for her to hear the word _beautiful_ for the first time in relation to _her?_ It’s a little too much for her to both understand and believe.   
  
  
“O-okay,” Clarke whispers, hoping her voice doesn’t betray her emotions. With another squeeze to her shoulder, Harper starts cutting and by the end of the twenty minutes, long thick locks of blonde hair litter the floor around them.   
  
  
Harper grins at Clarke when she’s done and holds her hand out for Clarke to take. She takes her hand and Harper pulls her to her feet and heads purposefully and excitedly towards the bathroom. However, Bellamy crosses their path before they reach and he stops in his tracks, eyes wide as he takes in Clarke’s new look.  
  
  
Clarke feels Harper’s hand slip out of hers and she steps aside as Bellamy steps up close in front of Clarke. He lifts his hand and grazes the back of his fingers against the bottom edges of her hair, a soft smile on his face.   
  
  
“Needed a change?” He asks, a low and gentle tone that Clarke is beginning to think he reserves only for her. She nods, feeling a little self-conscious, and wonders whether she’ll be easier to love if she looked less like the commander of death. If she looked less like what she did on the ground. But she thinks that maybe he might have loved her even on Earth, even through the blood on her hands and mud in her hair.   
  
  
She nods and he smiles a little wider, teeth showing, before giving her a quick wink, shooting a smile at Harper and walking on. Harper takes her hand again and pulls her to the mirror in the bathroom. When Clarke sees herself in the mirror, her throat immediately closes up but when the tears fall, this time she’s smiling through them.   
  
  
“How do you feel?” Harper asks, fingers tight around Clarke’s.  
  
  
Clarke shakes her head and as her eyes trace the new form of her hair, the curves of her neck and shoulders which she couldn’t really see before, her smile grows a bit wider. She turns to Harper and breathes, “I feel _clean_.” Harper nods before wrapping her arms around Clarke’s neck and hugging her tightly. Clarke clings on to her, burying her face into her hair.   
  
  
“You deserve that, Clarke,” Harper says. “I hope you know that.”   
  
  
She doesn’t, but from the sheer _honesty_ in Harper’s voice, she wonders if maybe she should.   
  
  
+++


End file.
